Lord Gym

Friday 27 September 2002

The gym should be a place you can go to avoid fools, but that's not the case. Here are some recently-spotted idiot gym denizens:

THE MOTORMOUTH - This person is capable of having a nearby conversation that completely encompasses your half-hour cardio workout. The discussion can range from catching up to party plans to flirting to meaningless blabber. Most of these are male, but some women do it too. Interaction with me: they are oblivious to me because they're too busy talking, but will occasionally look around during the conversation to make sure that other people can see how socially cool they are.

THE BARBIE - This is one of the Beautiful People. She may or may not be highly toned, but she will have a tan, a smile, a perfect chest, and probably be wearing a lot of makeup and bright, shiny ornamental jewelry. Interaction with me: they seem amazed that I'm actually sweating as I do a cardio workout.

THE MUSCLEHEAD - Someone who is almost entirely muscle, to the extent of freakism. 99% of these are male. Defining traits include arms splayed out to the sides, as if they had soda cans crammed up in their armpits, as well as protruding veins that normal people don't have. They tend to work with weights that most people can't lift. Interaction with me: they walk by with chins in the air, as if I didn't exist.

THE BITCH - Moderately- to highly- attractive female who is, quite simply, too good to acknowledge other people. These tend to cast furtive glances around to check and see if any guys are looking at them, and then glare back angrily. They never smile. Interaction with me: they give me angry looks, whether I'm looking at their intentionally scantily-clad bodies or not.

THE DORK - These are people who never took the time to learn what they were doing, or why. They can be located by following the sound of dropping weights or the trail of non-racked weights. These people tend to do one set and then move on to something else, and often work out the same body part two days in a row. They never wipe their sweat off of the machines or benches. Interaction with me: they often get in the way.

THE TEASE - This woman will wear the shortest shorts, the tighest top, and so forth. She can be anything from slightly plump to a hardbody; the point is that she deliberately shows off what she's got, to get male attention. This type is highly compatible with the motormouth (q.v.) Interaction with me: they get my attention and don't let go, unless I close my eyes and zone out during cardio.

THE KING - Based on the number of incoming cel phone calls received while "working out", this person is the most important individual in the gym. He or she cannot go longer than a few minutes without their phone ringing. Distinguishable from motormouths due to pretense of exercising. They often have to leave the gym altogether in order to take care of business. Interaction with me: they are completely oblivious.