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+ THE ADVENTURERS +
+ Epic II +
+ Many of the locations, non-player characters, spells, and +
+ other terms used in these stories are the property of TSR, Inc. +
+ However, this does not mean that TSR in any way endorses or +
+ authorizes their use, and any such items contained within these +
+ stories should not be considered representative of TSR in any +
+ way, shape, or form. +
+ The player characters contained in these writings are copy- +
+ right 1991-6 by Thomas Miller. Any resemblance to any persons +
+ or characters either real or fictional is utterly coincidental. +
+ Copying and/or distribution of these tales is permissible only +
+ under the sole condition that no part of them will be used or +
+ sold for profit. In that case, I hope you enjoy them... +
+ Thomas Miller +
+ firstname.lastname@example.org +
+ Alindyar 17th level drow mage (N) +
+ Arnold 13th level human barbarian warrior (NG) +
+ Belphanior (14th)^3 level elven fighter/wizard/thief (CN) +
+ Otto 8th/9th level dwarven fighter/thief (CN) +
+ Mongo 18th level dwarven fighter (CG) +
+ Gorin 9th level dwarven fighter (NG) +
+ Peldor 20th level human thief (N) +
+ Bosco 11th level halfling thief (CN) +
+ Peyote 11th/12th level half-elven warrior/druid (N) +
+ Rillen 17th level human monk (N) +
+ Lyra 13th level female drow mage (N) +
+ Nenya 8th/9th level female elven warrior/mage (NG) +
+ Songa 13th level human huntress (N) +
+ Tanya 5th/11th level female human fighter/thief (N) +
+ Victoria 11th level female vampiric human fighter (NE) +
+ Date: 4/14/576 C.Y. (Common Year) +
+ Time: evening +
+ Place: the Green Dragon Inn, in Greyhawk +
+ Climate: pleasant +
+ "...and I think you got drunk and shot your mouth off +
+ in some bar!" +
+ "I never get that drunk!" +
+ - from _Breakout_ +
CDXXIV. Bachelor Party
It is the night before Peldor and Tanya's wedding, and, much as
groups of good male friends have done since marriage was invented,
the Adventurers are about to embark upon that holiest of quests...
Bosco: Bachelor party! (he upends a bottle of some rare and fairly
expensive liquor) Whee!
Peyote: Chill out, little man. We'll get there.
Bosco: You bbbet we will! (apparently bored with the bottle, he sets
it on the bar and pours himself a glass of beer) Cheers!
Peldor: (somewhat worried, he quells his fears with another mug of
cold, frosty beer) Bosco, you're not bringing your ferrets along
for this ride, are you?
Bosco: (chuckles) No way! (he eyes the bottom of his own mug, which
is suspiciously empty) They're pretty neat, y'know, but they can't
come with us everywhere.
Mongo: From what I hear, we're better off.
Bosco: Yeah, I've gotten enough wallets and trinkets this month. The
little guys deserve a rest, as do the purses of Greyhawk...
Rillen: Doubtless a much-deserved rest.
Bosco: Yep, they deserve every moment...just like I deserve every
Peldor: (wondering how much of the week's profits have already been
drunken away) <sigh> (he empties his mug)
Arnold: (to Rillen) How's Songda been?
Rillen: She's well. We're both well.
Bosco: Oh well.
Belphanior: (to Rillen) I'd almost forgotten, after all these years,
but that's a good-looking woman you've got.
Rillen: Thanks...yours, too. Where'd you get her?
Peldor: Same place we got ours, I bet. Heh heh.
Mongo: (to Otto) You're coming along too?
Otto: (nods, sipping his beer) Me too. I probably won't get totally
plastered, but I'm in. (he frowns) I'll be the designated...sober
Peldor: I guess that makes me the designated drunkard...
Bosco: I'll be right on your designated heels!
Mongo: (wondering if he should bring his hammer along)
Alindyar: (to Mongo) You seem to be wondering if you should bring
your hammer along...
Mongo: (looks shocked)
Peldor: No weapons. We can't get into half the bars and taverns in
this city carrying weapons.
Mongo: For a change, _I'll_ be the one getting hammered...
Belphanior: (disbelieving his own pointy ears) What?
Peldor: It's true. New city ordinance. No weapons, or armor, for
that matter. _Long_ overdue, if you ask me.
Otto: Are you sure?
Peldor: Yeah. No weapons.
Belphanior: Not obvious ones, anyway. (he unbuckles Blackrazor's
black leather sheath from his belt) Peldor, I trust you've got a
safe place to keep our items?
Peldor: Just keep 'em in your rooms. They're as safe there as any-
where. The inn's closed, except to us; I have a key. Some of the
staff will be in here watching the place. (he nods) Your stuff'll
Bosco: Hey, I've got an even safer-
Mongo: Forget it, Bosco.
Peyote: (grins) For once, we can be revelers instead of warriors...
Otto: (hesitantly removes his own sword) I sure hope none of our old
enemies decide to attack tonight.
Belphanior: Don't worry, I've still got my spells.
Alindyar: Aye, as do I.
Bosco: And I?
Alindyar: You cannot cast spells, Bosco.
Bosco: Wanna bet?
Peyote: Bosco, fool among fools...
Bosco: That's just what I want everyone to think. The truth is...
Peyote: (listening, amused)
Bosco: ...well, you couldn't handle the truth!
Mongo: Yeah, right. (he even unbuckles his girdle of giant strength)
No armor, either?
Peldor: Don't worry about it. A person can't go around wearing armor
and weapons every moment of every day.
Mongo: He can't?
Belphanior: (looking around) Where's Halbarad? He should be here for
Peyote: Man, he's not into partying like this. I think he went out to
dinner with Rob.
Bosco: (gets a mischievous look on his round little face) Oh, really?
I wonder where?
Peyote: Couldn't tell you, little dude.
Bosco: Then they won't meet up with...Bosco, Party-Crasher!
Rillen: Probably just as well.
Arnold: It is Ah-nold's sad duty to inform you all that Geb won't be
along for the fun, either.
Peldor: Huh? How? Why not? (he refills his mug) Without Ged around,
there's no one to make Boccob jokes about-
Arnold: Geb's tired from preparing for the weddink...he's relaxing
with Deriber tonight.
Bosco: (nudges Gorin) See...told ya! (he holds out his hand, palm
up) Pay up, pal!
Gorin: (shakes his head, somehow continuing to drain his beer as he
does so) No way, Bosco. <glug> We're not completely sure that
they're actually doing it.
Bosco: Sure we're sure! Whaddya want, a crystal ball?!? Sheez...
Peldor: (to Arnold) And Deryck?
Arnold: No, he and Nenda have no interest in this kind of party. I
think they're at Geb's castle tonight.
Peldor: Wusses, all of 'em.
Bosco: Really. Why, that Ged's probably busy giving Derider the-
Arnold: (lifts Bosco with one hand, setting him atop the bar) More
Bosco: You can count on Bosco...Bosco, pint-pourer! (he dashes along
the bartop, somehow keeping from slipping and sliding and breaking
Peyote: Or even Bosco, half-pint pint-pourer...
Tanya: (enters the inn's common room, followed by Lyra, Songa, Nenya,
and Victoria) Well, Bosco, I see that you're leading the parade.
(she smirks) As usual.
Bosco: (looking guilty as he freezes in place while rolling a keg
across the bar) Oops?
Tanya: (looking around) Wow. You guys really look ready to hit the
Peldor: Hi, babe.
Tanya: Hi, babe. (innocently) Are you and your friends ready to go
out and have a good time?
Peldor: (somewhat embarrassed) Uh...err...
Tanya: It's okay, I understand.
Peldor: You do?
Victoria: (to Belphanior) _I_ do not understand, but I come from a
different society altogether.
Belphanior: (claps her shoulder lightly) It's...a guy thing.
Victoria: (icily) I see.
Belphanior: Just be careful, and stay out of trouble, and...(whispers
into her ear)...don't bite anybody, okay?
Victoria: (nods) I promise.
Songa: (to Rillen) I, too, have trouble understanding why you men
must go forth and do this.
Rillen: We're just going drinking for a while. Someone has to keep
Peldor out of trouble. (he notices Bosco ogling Victoria as he chugs
a fresh mug of beer) And Bosco too.
Bosco: (sizing up Victoria) Yyyyeah...
Alindyar: Verily an impossible task.
Peyote: But oh, so fun!
Nenya: (to Arnold) You look surprised to see me here.
Arnold: I am, Nenda. I thought you and Deryck were away.
Nenya: (laughs) I wouldn't miss this night for the world!
Arnold: But you're not going...(he is suddenly seized with a terrible
Nenya: (laughs again) No, I'm not planning on going with you. We
women will just stay here, in the inn, and talk for a bit, until you
all come home.
Arnold: (relieved) Oh.
Peldor: (to Mongo) Whew.
Tanya: (to Lyra) See, I told you I could get her to go with us.
Lyra: I never doubted.
Belphanior: (to Otto) No way was I gonna let any women come along
on this little jaunt.
Otto: (nods) I hear ya.
Songa: (seeing nobody behind the bar - she doesn't count Bosco - she
draws herself a mug of ale) Mmm, good stuff. (to Rillen) We ought
to take back a keg of this.
Rillen: No problem.
Songa: Actually, I've almost figured out how to brew our own...
Bosco: (walking on his hands, across the bar) Someone pour a beer in
Lyra: (to Alindyar, sternly) Now you behave yourself.
Lyra: (ESPs something private to him)
Alindyar: (nearly blushes) I cannot wait - I'll be back as soon as I
Gorin: (half-drunk, he topples over a chair) Oops!
Peyote: (to Tanya) Don't worry, dudette. I'll keep the guys in line!
Bosco: Yeah, me too!
Tanya: That, my friends, is what I'm afraid of.
Momentarily, the ten men had stowed their gear and were ready to set
out on their great odyssey.
Bosco: (leading the way out of the inn, he turns back to survey his
group) Bosco, Peldor, Mongo, Bosco, Gorin, Belphanior, Bosco, Otto,
Alindyar, Peyote, Bosco, Rillen, Arnold, Bosco...
Mongo: We're not dividing treasure shares here, Bosco. Get with the
Bosco: Oh, yeah. (he snatches a bottle on the way out, saluting
Tanya) Seeya, toots!
The men left the inn then, noisily, chaotically, and not altogether
soberly. After the front door had slammed closed, Tanya turned to
regard the other women.
Tanya: Finally! I thought we'd never get rid of them!
Some time later, ten fairly jovial fellows stumbled through the
doors of the Low Seas Tavern.
Mongo: (roars) Barkeep! A keg of your finest ale!
Bosco: Better make it two kegs.
Mongo: Two! Two kegs!
Everyone in the place was just staring at them as if they were crazy.
Bosco: (tosses a pouch of coins onto the bar, where it lands with a
heavy "thunk") A round for everybody! It's on Bosco!
crowd: (erupts in cheering)
Bosco: That's me...Bosco the Generous.
Alindyar: Turning over a new leaf, are you?
serving wench: (scrambles to get a table cleared for the newcomers)
Bosco: See, I knew they spoke my language.
Mongo: (to Gorin) Didja see that? The little guy actually _paid_!
Gorin: (nods in disbelief)
Peldor: I never taught him that...ahh, where did I go wrong?
Rillen: ...I'm proud of you.
serving wench: Here ya go.
Rillen: (lifts Bosco up onto the table, where he usually sits anyway)
serving wench: Uh, nobody's allowed to sit on top of the table.
Bosco: (slides a silver coin her way) Maybe this will change your
serving wench: (grins) Enjoy your stay atop our table, master Bosco.
Bosco: (singing something about money talking)
Arnold: Bodsgo, master of talking money.
Bosco: You bet!
Belphanior: (smirks) Heh.
Otto: Where'd Razor Charlie get to, anyway?
Belphanior: He didn't want to come along - actually, he wasn't really
invited, technically - so he stayed in Helgate.
Otto: Probably just as well. I never got the impression that he much
enjoyed nice, big cities like this one.
Rillen: So, Peldor...what do you want to do on this, your big night?
Drink, surely. Roam drunkenly, possibly.
Belphanior: Women, maybe?
Peldor: (raises his mug) No whores for me. (he looks half-sad) I
Alindyar: That you did...
Otto: You did what?
Peyote: No big deal, dude. We'll find him a woman somewhere.
Peldor: You will?
Bosco: They will? (he looks around, then confides to Gorin, as if a
great secret is to be shared) Tanya wouldn't be too happy about
Gorin: I wouldn't think so...but still, maybe we can keep Peldor from
waking up in a ditch somewhere.
Peldor: I'd never do that! (he grabs a pitcher and drinks from it)
Belphanior: Here we go again...the drunken days are back to stay...
serving wench: (returns) Food, boys?
Mongo: That would be great. (he thinks for a moment) A rack of lamb,
and a roasted pig.
serving wench: The whole pig?
Peyote: And bring me some mushrooms, please.
Gorin: Also roast us some chickens or turkeys or hens or something.
serving wench: (flabbergasted)
Peldor: Whatsamatter, no food in the kitchen? Why, if we were at the
Rillen: (to the wench) Fear not, my girl. We can and will pay for
all of this.
serving wench: Whatever you say, you're the guys with the gold. (she
turns to go deliver this order)
Bosco: (stands atop the table, banging two empty mugs together like a
little monkey) And some shrimp!
serving wench: (sighs)
Otto: (chewing on a piece of blackroot) Wonder if they've got any
Mongo: You eat that snot? Ugh.
Otto: (amused) I thought you could eat anything.
Mongo: Not oyster-snot. That shit's nasty.
Peldor: What's that? Oysters are great! Everyone should have to eat
'em...especially the women of the world...
Otto: There you go. (they toast with sloshing mugs)
Arnold: (to Rillen) What is an oydster?
Rillen: Some kind of seafood, I think. I'm not well-accustomed to
these high-class foods. (he grins)
Gorin: (he and Bosco are busy harassing a nearby table) Come on!
fellow: What's this, now?
Bosco: How about twenty-one? Or maybe poker?
fellow: I'm trying to eat here. Do you mind?
Bosco: Not at all. (he produces a deck of cards) Anytime's a good
Peyote: (hands Bosco another mug of beer) Here you go.
Bosco: (turns his attention to the mug, and back to his own table)
Alindyar: That's Bosco...menace-at-large.
Bosco: I'm no menace. I'm just mis-
Peldor: (reaching for some bread, he accidentally knocks Peyote's
mug over, causing beer to pool atop the table) Oops?
Bosco: (dances wildly, hopping around the puddle) Yippee!
Peldor: So sorry.
Gorin: (swipes a rag from a nearby counter and wipes up the mess)
Peldor: (looks guilty)
Belphanior: (laughing) And you call yourself a master th- err,
borrower of items?
Peldor: (takes a freshly-filled mug from the ever-helpful Peyote and
lifts it high) Master is right!
Otto: (looking around, worried, for this isn't the sort of thing one
should brag about in public; fortunately, no one is listening)
Peldor: (continuing unabated) Any day now, I'll be named the Master
Thief of Greyhawk!
Rillen: That's quite an accomplishment.
Otto: You sure about this?
Peldor: Absolutely. I'm the best qualified and...and...(he stares
off into space)...urp!
Belphanior: They're waiting on your marriage to inform you, eh?
Peldor: That's right. See, now I'll be a more respectable fellow.
People will trust me.
Peldor: More than before. And I'm the most qualified of all the
Belphanior: Then you'd be an Oligarch, right?
Peldor: (drains his mug) 'as right!
Peyote: It's cool, I say.
Peldor: Urp! (he looks around slyly) Damn good beer. But a little
Alindyar: Perhaps a spell could remedy that-
Peldor: Spell! I'll cast a spell all right! I'll-
Bosco: Where's our waitress?
Peldor: Waitress! Our waitress, the-
serving wench: (shows up, fresh pitchers in hand)
Peldor: (points at her) There she is.
Rillen: (to the woman) He learns fast.
Belphanior: Real fast.
Alindyar: By tomorrow he'll surely have mastered complex math.
serving wench: (holds out the pitchers) Beer?
Gorin: (grabs the pitchers) Yep, it sure is.
Bosco: (atop the table, he stands at face level with the wench)
Where's my food?
serving wench: (presents a plate of rolls and butter) Rolls?
Mongo: (grabs the plate) Got 'em, thanks.
Bosco: Hey! (he dives after the bread, nearly knocking over the
pitchers of beer)
serving wench: (holds out a plate of shrimp) Shrimp?
Belphanior: (points at Bosco)
Bosco: There they are! (he grabs for the plate) Gimme, gimme!
Peyote: (takes one of the shrimp as the plate is passed over to the
Bosco: Hey! Quit bogarting my shrimp!
Peyote: Sorry, little dude.
Peldor: Re-lax. If we run out...well, we can order more.
Bosco: (his eyes light up) Yeah!
serving wench: Anything else?
Peyote: Where're my 'shrooms?
serving wench: Uh...coming right up!
Mongo: We're good, just keep it all comin'. (he slips her a couple
of coins, winking) Thanks for putting up with the dynamic duo there.
serving wench: (smiles her thanks, and dashes off)
Bosco: (puts one hand on Peldor's shoulder, and the other on Peyote's
shoulder) No, that should be the terrible trio! (he looks at the
chuckling, one-eyed Belphanior) The fearsome foursome! The-
Bosco: The burpers on brigade!
Rillen: (shakes his head)
Otto: Tell me about it.
Peyote: Hey, man, he's getting married tomorrow. He deserves to cut
loose like this.
Arnold: Too bad Geb couldn't make it.
Peldor: Ged? (he looks around, eyes gleaming) Ged! (he raises his
mug) Here's to Ged! Ged, the pus-
Peyote: Look hearty, brothers! The food has arrived!
serving wench: (along with several helpers, she brings all of the
main courses to the table) Hope you guys are hungry...
Mongo: Don't worry about that.
Bosco: Yeah. Bosco alone could eat a cow!
Gorin: If he doesn't pass out from booze first.
Bosco: (ponders this, rubbing his chin philosophically) True.
Peldor: (seeing an empty pitcher before him, he grabs it and turns
to the next table, whose occupants are all turned away, ogling a
busty lass across the room) Heh heh...(he switches his empty
pitcher with their half-full one, and turns back around)
Bosco: Hey, where'd-
Peldor: (puts his fingers to his lips) Shh.
Peyote: (looking around) Hey, where're my 'shrooms?
And so it went; Peldor accomplished many amazing feats that night.
His across-the-room shot of a crumpled rag, into a wastebasket, drew
oohs and ahhs from spectators - as well as money from the bets Bosco
had made beforehand. Then there was the flaming shot...
Peldor: (spits moonshine out, over a flaming candle, but he only
succeeds in covering his chin with flaming alcohol) Aie!
Mongo: Holy shit, he's on fire!
crowd: (shrieks in horror)
Peyote: (immediately slaps the thief in the face, hard, putting the
Peldor: Whew. (he staggers about) Thanks, I needed that.
Peyote: No problem.
Otto: That's got the dance of the flaming asshole beat by a mile.
Belphanior: Well, I wouldn't say that.
Peldor: (bending silverware, he tosses it in all directions) Just
can't help myself...(he whistles a tune)
Rillen: Just as long as you don't start throwing food.
Peldor: Throwing food? What a wonderful idea...(he grabs a leg of
Mongo: (shoves Peldor back into his seat) Oh, no you don't.
Mongo: I'm gonna eat that. Here, take a bone, if you have to throw
Peldor: (grows weary of this game) Ahh, shucks. (he begins to eye
the crowd, looking for someone to spit beer on) Uuuuurp.
Eventually, he found someone, his victims being two unfortunate young
ladies who were just passing by. Though he only barely hit them, they
didn't much appreciate it.
women: Ugh. (they flee)
Peldor: Sorry about that.
Alindyar: What would Tanya say?
Peldor: I don' know...I never spit beer on her...
Peyote: Dude! That was ill...the rudest kind of ill! You need to
Bosco: And buy 'em a drink while you're at it!
Peldor: (sighs) Okay, okay, I'll do it. (he leaves the table and
pursues the two women, staggering)
A short time later (just as they began wondering if letting him go
by himself was a good idea) Peldor returned, empty-handed and grinning
like a loon.
Alindyar: Did you apologize?
Peyote: Why not, man?
Bosco: Did you even talk to them?
Peldor: I talked to them, yeah.
Gorin: So what happened?
Peldor: (grins) I was too busy asking them if they wanted my auto-
Peyote: (puts his head in his hands) Man, oh, man.
While all of this was transpiring, another party - smaller but just
as entertaining - was going on, at one of the hundred other taverns
waiter: (some handsome young kid) Anything else?
Lyra: Another jug of wine, if you please.
waiter: I'm on it. (he wanders away)
Nenya: He's kinda cute.
Songa: He looks like a weak little city boy to me. I bet I could
beat him at any sport or contest.
Victoria: (eyeing some other young handsome guy) That one's even cuter
than the waiter.
Tanya: No way.
Lyra: Maybe. Who knows?
Songa: He, too, looks weak.
Victoria: He looks delicious.
Lyra: Brazen, are we?
Victoria: I'm used to getting what I want.
Tanya: Well, you'll have your hands full with Belphanior.
Victoria: So I'm told.
Nenya: (giggles like a child)
Songa: Can't hold your booze, eh?
Nenya: I'll live.
Lyra: So, Tanya...are you ready for your big day tomorrow?
Tanya: (smiles) Yes!
Songa: It's good...to finally find the right man.
Nenya: I hear you.
Victoria: (just smiles)
Tanya: I didn't think I'd ever meet someone who could make me happy
forever, but I have...
Victoria: Forever is a very long time.
Lyra: It is indeed. (she frowns) Longer still for us elves. Being
with the right mate is important.
Just then, the five women were approached by a group of well-to-do
noblemen who had been watching them for a while now.
fellow#1: Good evening, ladies.
Lyra: Hello there.
fellow#2: We were wondering if you'd perhaps like to join us for a
few drinks, some conversation, some carousing perhaps...(he winks)
Victoria: (smiles sleazily) Gee, I don't know. Are you sure you can
other fellows: (snickering)
Lyra: (gives Victoria a look of disbelief) Don't do that-
fellow#3: (sidles up to Songa) Wow, you're a big one.
Songa: The only "big one" around here, no doubt.
fellow#4: That wasn't very nice.
Songa: I never claimed to be a nice person.
fellow#5: (eyes Nenya) You some kind of elf?
Nenya: One particular kind, actually.
fellow#5: I've never had an elven woman before.
Nenya: Trust me when I say that's not going to change tonight.
fellow#1: (to Lyra) So whaddya say? Let's party.
Lyra: I don't think so.
Victoria: (stretches her long, mostly-bare legs, yawning)
fellow#2: (wide-eyed) Uh.
fellow#3: (still trying to win Songa over) C'mon! I'm a tough guy,
tough enough even for an amazon like you.
Songa: I'm married.
fellow#3: Hey, no big deal. What he doesn't know won't hurt him!
Songa: But what he _does_ will hurt you. (he shakes her head) On
second thought, I'll just do it myself. (she lifts the man up, off
the floor, with one arm, and shakes him bodily) Now get lost.
fellow#4: (puts his arm around Tanya) Heyyy, baby...
Tanya: Not interested.
fellow#4: Don't be that way, flame-hair. I'm a nice guy. We're all
Tanya: I said, I'm not interested. I'm getting married tomorrow.
fellow#4: That's perfect! (he edges closer to her) What say you and
I go upstairs and-
Tanya: I said no, and I mean no! (grabs the offending arm, spins
around, and sends the man to the floor)
fellow#4: (grunting in pain, he finds himself sitting on his ass,
the crowd laughing at him)
Songa: Whoa, nice trick. (she lets fellow#3 go)
Tanya: Yeah. (to the man) Touch me again and you'll never father
fellow#3: (backs away from Songa) Hey, guys, maybe we should get
out of here...
fellow#2: No way, now! (fairly well into his cups, he staggers) I'm
just getting started having my fun-
Victoria: (locks eyes with the man)
fellow#2: -and now it's time to be going. G'night, ladies! (he turns
and walks away stiffly)
fellow#1: (a bit bolder than his friends, perhaps, he speaks to Lyra)
It's not too late for us to have a good time.
Lyra: I'm afraid it is. (she speaks some magical syllable)
fellow#1: (suddenly finds himself afflicted with an itch in a bad
place) Aie! (he makes himself scarce)
fellow#5: (to Nenya) I don't suppose...
Nenya: I'm afraid not. If I were you I'd just leave.
fellow#5: (does so, wondering where he keeps going wrong in this game)
Songa: (watching the men depart, to the mostly silent amusement of the
crowd at large) It just wasn't their night, I guess.
Lyra: Too bad for them.
Victoria: They'll never know what they missed.
Tanya: Only the select few men will know _that_.
Later, and elsewhere, ten boon companions wandered the streets of
Greyhawk. Their states of inebriation ranged from nearly sober (Otto)
to quite merry (Mongo) to completely drunk (Peldor.)
Peldor: -thirty-one bottles of beer on the wall- (he trips and falls
in a puddle) Oh, hell. Now my moneypouch is soaked!
Mongo: I'd worry about your clothes if I was you.
Peyote: Worry about some woman carrying them off...
Peldor: Bah! Peldors are not affected by these things! (he looks
up to a second-story balcony, where two young women watch in mild
amusement) Hey, girl...!
young woman#1: (giggles)
Peldor: Would you be so kind as to pour me some beer?
young woman#2: What's that, now?
young woman#1: But how?
young woman#2: (scolds her friend) You know we don't have any beer-
young woman#1: Shh! This is fun!
Peldor: (now standing beneath the balcony) Just pour it into my
Belphanior: (grabs Peldor and drags him away) Off you go. (to the
ladies above) Sorry.
Peldor: Now wait, I was just getting in touch with my worship-
Belphanior: We don't need to be bringing you home with booze all over
Peldor: Urp! (he looks around) Where's Bosco?
Bosco: (dancing as he walks, taking frequent drinks from a bottle)
Peldor: You stole the wine, Bosco!
Bosco: No, I bought it fair and square back there! I-
Peldor: You stole it from me!
Bosco: Bosco does not _steal_, he-
Peldor: C'mon, give it back!
Bosco: Okay...catch! (he tosses the container, underhanded)
Peldor: (makes a valiant attempt, but fails to even touch the bottle,
which sails away and shatters on the street) Damn. Now we have to
buy some more somewhere.
Peyote: Now you've done it, dude: littering.
Belphanior: Littering...they could add that to my list.
Otto: Your running tab.
Belphanior: Err, right.
Peldor: (spots a moneychanger's office, closed of course) Aha! (he
stumbles in that general direction)
Arnold: Aaa, where's Peldork going?
Rillen: I fear the worst. Come on. (the others make their way after
the renegade thief)
Alindyar: This is most unbecoming a gentleman.
Peldor approached the front of the moneychanger's building, yelling
nearly at the top of his lungs.
Peldor: Hey! Hey, in there! Gimme a room for the night!
watchman: (strolls out, sleepy-eyed) Huh?
Peldor: A room, I said! I'll take your finest room!
watchman: This isn't an inn, buddy.
Peldor: Nonsense! And I'll pay! (he holds out some coins, but
ends up flinging them everywhere) I'm good for it, I tell you!
Mongo: (finally retrieves Peldor, steering him away from the office
and the guard) We'll get rid of him for you, officer.
watchman: I sure would appreciate it.
Peldor: Ah, that's the problem with the law these days - no sense
of humor. (he yawns)
Bosco: Getting tired?
Peldor: (raises a fist in the air) Nonsense! I have not yet begun
to embarrass myself! (he trips on a curb and takes a fall in the
Otto: He's in bad shape.
Mongo: (tosses the thief over his shoulder) C'mon, let's get him home
before he wakes up.
The next morning, Tanya woke up to find no Peldor in her bed. She
grabbed a masterkey and began searching the inn's spare rooms, but as
it turned out, Peldor was asleep on a couch in the hall.
Tanya: (laughs, long and deeply)
The thief was a mess. Most of his body was soaked with beer, caked
with dirt, or both. Near his head was a small puddle of drool and
vomit, and it looked like he'd rolled over in it at least once. His
left boot was missing; fortunately, he hadn't worn his magical boots
last night. Tanya noted with satisfaction that his pants were still
on. She decided that she wasn't even going to touch him; some servant
could haul his smelly body to the bathhouse later. All that mattered
was that he was presentable in time for the wedding.
Tanya: (shakes her head, smiling) Hope you don't plan on doing this
too often, sailor.
Peldor: (stirs) Wuzzat...?
Tanya: (walks away, still shaking her head) How does he do it?
next: wedding bells, chimes, whistles, and whatnot
ftp: ftp.digex.net in /pub/access/dpm/rpg/stories/adventurers
ftp.nol.net in /pub/users/zac/rpg/adventurers/
mail: email@example.com (preferred)
notes: This episode was, more than anything else, a tribute to
Marc's (Peldor's) real-life adventures. I thought of all the
funny things he ever did - at Buckhead, Mardi Gras, the beach,
Hooters, anywhere - and talked with some others who knew him too,
to come up with the definitive list of Peldor-isms. That list is
well-represented in this episode, though many of his feats have
already appeared in previous episodes. No doubt he's lucky to
have friends like us who take the time to remember and record
This one was kinda fun to write; no big plotline, no conflict,
just comedic fun - a bunch of friends letting off steam. Even I
sometimes tire of death and destruction.
On a totally unrelated note, why the hell do all five of the
womens' names end in "a"? How'd I let that happen?
previous chapter (#423)
next chapter (#425)